Girl Drama NEVER Ends!

Early in the school year my daughter had a little girl drama that was really hurtful to her and frustrating for me.  There was a group of girls that decided they wanted to ignore her.  The problem with this particular ostracizing was it was with girls on her softball team.  It got so bad that she wanted to quit.  I guided her as much as I could in dealing with the drama, but when she told me she wanted to quit, this Mama had to step in.  I had to call the moms of those girls and get things straight.  Things improved {a little} and she finished her season, but it left a scar that is tender. 

Going through this first middle school issue with her reminded me how the journey in growing up is constantly with you.

Fast forward to a few weeks later…girl drama…AGAIN.  However, it did not happen to my daughter.  It happened to ME!!   Here I am almost 40 years old and I have to deal with pettiness from another adult.  I was stunned, hurt, and VERY irritated.  You see, a long time ago I decided that I would not participate in pettiness and I don’t tolerate it well.  Here’s the story…

First, the background: I have 3 of sister-in-laws.  Two are married to my husband’s brothers.  The oldest is not very kind to me and the younger is like my best friend.  The other sister-in-law is my brother’s wife and because he is so much younger than me and we live in different states, I am still getting to know her.

I got a text from my younger sister-in-law. I have known this woman since she was in college and have really felt a closeness that I’m sure real sisters experience.  The text mentioned something about some trips we had planned in the near future.  It was an odd text and I asked some basic questions.  The texts came back to me seeming a little more hostile so I told her that I would call her because I was a bit confused and did not want any misunderstandings because of texting.  When I called I was shocked by the accusations that were suddenly thrown at me. I tried to stay calm and ask where all of the assumptions were coming from.  When I tried to assuage the issue, I realized that my sister-in-law had already made up her mind that I was in the wrong. What hurt the most is I thought that this particular sister-in-law would never hurt me in this manner.  You see, my older sister-in-law treats me in a disrespectful manner all the time. 

Did I get angry?  You bet!  I could feel my cheeks get red and the bubbling of anger rise to the surface.  I lost control of my temper and yelled at her for her lack of common sense.  It was then that I realized that I am done. Done trying to reach out and build a relationship.  Done being the scapegoat for their issues.  Done being their whipping post.  No one deserves the treatment I get from these women…so I’m done.

I cannot change what people think or feel about me.  As much as I can try and reach out to these women and befriend them in a way they probably do not deserve, it usually bites me in the rear.  I have to realize that there are MUCH deeper issues that they have to resolve on their own.  I cannot change anyone, they must change themselves.  I had a counselor long ago say to me you cannot change how people act, only how you respond. 

I told my daughter that night that you think the girl drama ends when you become an adult, but it doesn’t.  You just don’t have it as frequently.

Boys and Girls ARE Different

Yes, I have a girl that is in middle school.

No, I do not have a boy in middles school....yet...

However, I DO know there are differences between what a boy experiences in middle school and what a boy experiences in middle school.

Aside from the obvious physical differences, there are emotional and HORMONAL differences. Girls go through a LOT of changes during middle school.  They go from looking like a girl to looking more like a woman.  They wait to experience the monthly visit from "Aunt Flo." They have to figure out how to deal with the up and downs of their emotions every single month.  They are more aware of their physical changes and can be embarrassed by them.

Phew...are you tired, yet?  I am.

What shocks me is when I meet a mother of a boy who seems clueless to the differences.  Ummm...really?  Do you NOT remember middle school yourself?

I have a friend {which you know I mean me} who went on a family vacation that had lots of children.  Among the children were the 11 year old daughter and a 10 year old nephew.  This friend made it clear to her nephew's mother (prior to the trip) that her daughter was not going to share a room with her boy cousin. As soon as they arrived, the nephew's mother suggested that the boy cousin share a room with her daughter.

HELLO?!?

Was I...ah...she talking to a wall?  Apparently.

I'm guessing this mom still sees her growing son as a little boy who is unaware of the differences between boys and girls.  When the friend said no, the mother looked at her like she was an over protective fool.

PULEEEEZE...Let's see if this mom will feel the same way when her now 4 year old daughter is 11.

You cannot keep children little. They DO grow up and they need their privacy.  I am the type of mom who will protect that privacy in the face of someone else's ignorance.  Sheesh!

How Much is Too Much?

My daughter is a social butterfly! It isn't too surprising seeing that her father is the exact same way. She LOVES to get involved and do things. Currently she is on a sports team {hopefully to end in the next two weeks} and the Future Business Leaders of America club at her school AND she goes to youth group. Not only does she have extra-curricular things, she is in the advanced classes at school. {Advanced means more work.} For the last four weeks they have been doing a project where they had to create a business and sell the product. The product she chose was cookies.

{Can you guess what we are doing tonight?}

When she is not doing something sport, school, or church related she likes to have sleepovers.

She is bright, ambitious, loving, and full of energy…but Mom is not {full of energy, that is}! I am sooooo grateful that she has the ability to organize and succeed in all her activities, but I am finding it all very wearing on me. I try soooo hard to get organized so that she is able to do the things she needs, but I also have another child in sports and a toddler. My only day off during the week where we have NOTHING planned is on Mondays {sure makes for long weekends}.

Now you'd think with my little rant I'm a single parent, but I'm not. The rub is that my wonderful, darling hubby is just as involved in activities as she is. I find it comical when he gets frustrated with all her activities. I finally had to point to him one day that he was getting huffy because it was interfering with his social schedule.
Looking back during that stage-of-life I did do a sport, but that was all. I went to a small private school that didn't offer a lot of club activities. I didn't do sleepovers because my parents were HIGHLY overprotective and did not trust too many people. They also worked a LOT and I had to be home helping with the chores and with my brother.

Did I resent it?

Yes, many times. I remember my 7^th grade year being the most depressing period of my life. I do not want any of that for her, but I want her to be able to balance her choices.

We have been working on figuring out what she enjoys most and what she can leave behind. So I wonder how much is too much? Is it when it's too much for the parent or the child?

Letting Go

Letting go and allowing your children to be apart from you can be a difficult task.  When my daughter was a little, energetic girl, I would welcome an offer of someone taking her for a few hours. Now that she is older, I am a bit more reluctant to have her go spend the day or night with a friend.

Why is that?

I guess I worry about her more.

When she was little, she would stay put in someone's home.  As a tween, she is off to the mall, games, and other activities where she is a passenger in someone else's vehicle.

I know it's a responsible adult driving and I know she is well supervised.  However, several years ago I was marked by the death of an 8 year old girl in our church.  My daughter was 3 at the time.  The little girl of the family was at a sleepover and the father was bringing her back home. It was a fluke accident.  The 8 year old girl and her friend were killed instantly.

I know I shouldn't worry.  Worrying does no good.  I need to trust that God is protecting her in all her activities.  I guess it's just hard to continue letting go as she gets older.

Sheesh...I can't even imagine what it will be like when she begins driving.  I better start praying now that I don't have a nervous breakdown in 4.5 years!

S-E-X

WARNING: This post is about S-E-X.  I do not want anyone to feel offended by anything mentioned in this post.  

I have to say out of all my years of being a mom, THIS topic was one of the most uncomfortable topics I ever had to explain to my daughter.

My mom never sat me down and explained the basics.  I don't even think she explained what periods were.  She let the school do that and then I figured the rest out from my friends.

Looking back,  I wonder if she did get through the embarrassment of talking sex with me, would I have viewed things differently?  Maybe...maybe not.  I may have felt more comfortable talking with her about things, but it was clearly communicated that that was a taboo subject in my home.

I decided that I did not want that for my daughter.  I wanted to be open and honest with her while making her feel like she could come to me with questions.

So what did I do?

She was 9 years old and I was pregnant  I took that opportunity to explain the basics.  And when I mean basic, I mean BASIC! I did not go into details of emotions, foreplay, orgasms or anything.  This is how I explained it:


ME: Since you are going into public school, I wanted to talk to you about something before you hear about it from your friends.


DD: O....kaaaaaaaaaay {with great uncertainty}.


ME:  Just to let you know, this is a very difficult thing to talk about because my mom never talked about it with me.  So I am a little uncomfortable, but I feel it's important that you hear the information from me.  You know how we talked awhile ago about periods and how God created girls? Well, I wanted to tell you how this baby was made {I was 7 mos pregnant during this conversation}. You know that boys have a penis, right?


DD: Yes. 


ME:  When a husband and wife are married, God gives them a wonderful gift called sex.  You have heard that word, right?


DD: Yes.


ME: The husband will put his penis in her vagina and then something called sperm comes out.  Sometimes the wife will have an egg and if the two meet, a baby is made. {Then I wait}


DD: {Silence}


ME: Do you have any questions about what I just told you?


DD: Sounds kinda gross.

ME:  It does sound gross.  But when you are married it is a great gift that God blesses a husband and wife. {Wait}

That is basically it.  I explain the very basic facts and then wait to answer questions.  Children do not need to hear about all the other things that go into a couple having sex.  I have emphasized with my daughter that we believe it's best to wait until marriage and that she can come to me at any time if she has any questions.

I also explain that because the topic is uncomfortable for me that she might have to give me a minute to collect my thoughts before answering her questions.  It was also important to tell her that she will hear her friends discuss it, but because they {I hope} do not have any experience in that area, they do not know what they are talking about.  I will know the truth so she should come to me whenever she hears something that is new.

No...you can't go to the bathroom!

Wow!  I'm such a mean mom.  I mean who would EVER tell their children they cannot go to the bathroom.  It might be just me.

Here's the scenario: we are in church and the pastor is speaking.  Every week I see at least a half dozen people who decide they have to get up to do something during the message.

IT DRIVES ME INSANE!!! 

Nothing is more distracting than people getting up while someone is talking.  It is disrupts my focus on what is being said and I know that the speaker notices as well.  What is even more frustrating is that most of those people getting up are kids!!

Today, my daughter whispers to me that she had to go to the bathroom.  I told her to wait. I am not going to be one of those parents that allows her children to get up whenever they want.  They will learn to respect the person talking and find an appropriate time to use the facilities.

Now I know there are some of you that are thinking, "What if she REALLY had to go?"  She actually had asked me a second time.  I told her that if she had to go that badly, she would have to spend the rest of the service in the lobby.  She decided it wasn't that urgent.

I called her bluff.  If it was an emergency she would have bolted.  I think we, as a society, have forgotten our manners when someone is speaking.  My goal in teaching my middle school girl is that everyone is to be respected including speakers on a stage. 

Ironically, when we picked up our other child from his class he had to use the bathroom.  Because he is younger, they have a bathroom available in the room.  When I asked him why he didn't go earlier he said, "I didn't want to leave in the middle and miss all the fun!"

That's my boy!

 

Why this blog?

Do you remember middle school? I do.  It was one of the first most difficult and emotional experiences of my life.  Changes in your body, changes in your friends, changes in your emotions... I'm not sure what boys go through, but for a girl it can be an emotionally turbulent period.

I survived...then...

However, now I am a mother of a Middle School girl and my husband thinks I may have to go on Xanax to survive!  The drama, the tears, the changes...I am reliving it again through my tween-age daughter. 

This blog is my experience of mothering through the emotion and guiding my young girl through the trials of middle school.  I'm sure there will be plenty of them.

I'm hoping that during this journey, I will find those that have gone down this road and help me along the way.  I also hope the moms that will soon follow will find some solutions as well.  Either way, mothering is a journey that is best done with friends.